I Was Never Alone

For a long time, I felt completely alone.

Which is strange, because I was surrounded by people. I was a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. There were people everywhere, and yet I felt alone.

Looking back now, I realise it wasn't because nobody was there. It was because I had lost the one person I needed most.

Me.

Somewhere amongst the responsibilities, the heartbreak, the grief, the relationships, the expectations and the constant trying to hold everything together, I lost connection with myself. The soft, beautiful human being I am. The honest part of me.

I kept looking outside of myself for answers. For comfort. For certainty. For someone to save me.

What I didn't realise at the time was that the person I had been searching for was me.

I had simply forgotten that I needed to save myself.

There have been moments in my life that have broken my heart wide open. Moments of deep love. Moments of grief. Moments where I didn't know how I would get through another day. Moments where I worried as a mother, hurt as a daughter, felt helpless as a little sister, and sat beside people I love wishing I could take their pain away.

Like many of us, I spent years trying to hold everything together. Trying to help. Trying to fix. Trying to protect. Trying to be what everyone else needed me to be.

And somewhere along the way, I lost connection with myself.

Looking back now, I can see that every experience was teaching me something.

My early experiences with intimacy taught me that self-worth and being chosen are not the same thing.

Relationships taught me about boundaries.

The journey through addiction taught me compassion. It taught me about pain. It taught me about love. And it taught me that people are often doing the best they can with what they have at the time.

My nephew's suicide taught me how fragile life can be and how deeply I can truly love someone.

My daughter's rare bone tumour taught me that some things cannot be fixed, only faced.

Her struggles with disordered eating taught me how easily we can lose connection with ourselves.

Watching my big sister suffer the loss of her son taught me that some of the hardest pain we carry belongs to the people we love.

Losing my dad taught me that tomorrow is never promised.

And autoimmune disease taught me that my body had been trying to get my attention for a very long time.

For years, I thought I was alone.

But I wasn't.

Through every loss, every heartbreak, every mistake, every lesson and every challenge, there was one person who never left.

Me.

Even when I stopped trusting myself. Even when I stopped listening to my body. Even when I forgot who I was.

I was still there, waiting.

As I slowly started reconnecting with myself, things began to change. A walk. A better choice. More rest. More honesty. More trust. Less fighting. More listening.

Little by little, I found my way back.

Today, I am in remission from autoimmune disease. I am off medication. I feel stronger, healthier and more connected to myself than I have in years. Not because life became easier, but because I finally started listening.

When I look back now, I don't feel resentment. I see lessons. I see growth. I see people doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. And I see a woman who became stronger because she chose to keep going.

Every one of those experiences played a part in becoming the woman I am today. A woman who trusts herself. A woman who feels at home in her own body. A woman who knows she never needed to earn her worth. A woman who understands that honesty changes everything.

Because the moment I became honest with myself was the moment I started finding my way back.

And if you relate to any part of this story, I want you to know something.

You are not alone.

Not as a young girl. Not as a teenager. Not as a woman. Not as an older woman looking back on her life.

Whatever you're carrying, you are not alone.

There may be moments when you feel disconnected from yourself. There may be moments when nobody seems to understand. But through it all, one person remains.

You.

Trust yourself a little more. Listen to your body a little more. Be honest with yourself.

You might be surprised by how much you already know.

Love yourself more. Listen to your body. She Knows. 🤍

Love,

Claire Bear 🤍

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